One of Those Days

It's one of those days

One of those days where I

Take that which I love

And scream bloody murder at it

Threatening it silently to never pick it up again

It’s one of those days

Where I see emptiness

I'm not going home

Where's the golden fields?

Where's the dream?

Oh right.

I just beat it down

It's one of those days

Where I feel nothing

Not hurt

Not sorrow

Not pain

Not joy

Not anything

And oh Lord,

Oh precious Lord!

I just want to feel again!

I want to feel your love in my heart

Not only anger

I want that never ending hope

But I find only sadness

Why are you silent

Oh God of my fathers?

Why do you not speak?

Why can I not hear you?

Why can I not feel you,

Even though I know you are near?

Why does the Lord of creation

not answer my prayer?

Oh sweet Jesus,

Have mercy on me

And let me feel again!

It's one of those days I guess.

When I am in the lion's den.

It doesn't look any different.

Sky is still the ever present blue

Sun is still shining

But there is no love

There is no kindness

There is only the

emptiness of the lives

of the people around me

And Lord I am begging you

I have come before your throne

I beseech you

to pour your love into me

So that I might feel again

So that I might smile at the emptiness

Glad that you are there

For though you are silent

Through the trial

And through the storm

You have given me a boat

On which I can sail

I can sail until I reach the end

Until the sweet embrace of my Lord

Takes me home.

Until then

I will stand before your throne

I will stand before it

with humble pleas

For the lost

For the broken

For the weary

For the downcast

For the lonely

For the hurt

For I was all of those things

I still feel as if I am that way

But even though I may be in the midst of the vilest of storms

You are there

And oh sweet and merciful God

You hear my pleas

You hear them from unclean lips

And father,

Oh father,

I cannot wait to run home to you

I cannot wait to run home to you

And be swept up by loving arms

And so I bow.

And I plea

And I weep.

Bring my brothers home Lord!

Bring my sisters back sweet Jesus!

And I will be here, forever knelt,

At your feet until then

And oh merciful Lord

Oh,

I cannot wait to run home to you

It simply just must be one of those days

I Never, I Know

I am scared.

No really.

Calm, little me.

I am scared.

Why?

You.

Well more me.

I'm scared you'll leave me.

No, not really scared.

Terrified.

Terror gnaws at my soul.

Because one day, you'll get tired of me.

No really.

You will.

Everybody does.

Everybody always does.

Someone else is more important.

Which is probably true.

I'm not trying to blame you.

I'm just saying it hurts,

Knowing I'm not the best.

I'm annoying.

I know.

I'm rude.

I know.

I'm selfish.

I know.

I'm draining.

I know.

I'm needy.

I know.

I make people angry.

I know.

I never understand you.

I know.

I never give you enough help.

I know.

I don't feed into your emotions enough.

I know.

I am too “woe is me.”

I know.

I don't forgive enough.

I know.

I don't love enough.

I know.

I KNOW, okay?

I know.

I know.

You think I don't?

I know you only tolerate me.

I know you lean on me.

Which is fine.

It's why I am here.

I know that when I stop being useful,

I will be cast aside.

And honestly?

I'm okay with that.

No really.

You are more important.

I'm okay.

I live to serve.

I love to serve.

I serve.

I am a servant.

I can never rise higher.

I don't want to.

I just want a little love.

That's all.

Give me a little love.

Cast me aside.

Throw me under the bus.

Kill me with your hands

Or with your words.

That's fine.

I live for you.

I love you.

I will die for you.

So that's it.

That's all I really wanted to say.

You can go back to ignoring me

And my problems.

It's okay.

Really.

Because when it comes down to it,

I'll still love you anyways.

Do You Know?

Do you know?

Do you know what I am saying?

You call me a friend

You lean on me

Day in and day out

Never asking

Never meaning

“How are you?”

“I'm fine.”

But that's what you want to hear

You never want to hear me.

Oh, I'm speaking too much again?

Let me say it louder.

“I can be heard!”

I'm not always happy.

I'm not always alert.

I'm sad.

I'm tired.

I feel broken

“You are the most optimistic person I know.”

Maybe that's because I only have hope.

Can you not think?

All I have is hope.

Do you not know?

I sit here crying,

comforted only by hope.

And you think I'm too self centered.

You say that you are more important,

That I have to focus on you.

Guess what?

I'm done!

I'm done with pretending I'm okay,

I'm done with only satisfying your needs.

I am a person!

I have needs!

I'm done with it all!

If I can't ever ask a thing of you,

Then why do I say that I love you?

Why do I call you a friend,

When all you do is take?

Why do you think hurting me is okay?

Don't you know?

My feelings matter too!

And yet,

You call me selfish.